A unique pain. A rainbow of hope.

This is going to be raw, emotional, and a little blunt for some of you.

I am “1 in 4”  I had two miscarriages last year.  Back to back.  One in the fall.  The physical recovery took a few weeks.  Second one started in December and took an entire MONTH to get over physically….it was the worst “happiest time of the year” of my life.

Both miscarriages were "blighted ovums".  If you don't know that term, it's when you get pregnant, but only a sac develops.  You never develop a baby, but since a sac developed, your body thinks you're pregnant and you have pregnancy symptoms, and usually don't find out about the miscarriage until you go in for your first doctor appointment and only see an empty ultrasound.  With both miscarriages, I had to take medication to move the process along to clear my body of the sac.  From here, I went on to have some blood work done by my doctor and I found out I have the mthfr gene mutation, where I don't process folic acid properly and need to be on a "super dose" of the B vitamins on top of regular prenatals any time I am pregnant or trying to get pregnant. This condition is genetic and can cause tiny blood clots not harmful to me, but probably the reason for the miscarriages.  So, I'm also on low dose aspirin to thin my blood a little.  Had no idea of this during my pregnancy with our first little one.  Everything was perfect with her...So she's basically a miracle baby who could've been cut off by a blood clot (I've read hooror stories of this happening at 39 weeks...my first was born at 39 weeks and 1 day!) or developed something like spina bifida in the womb from not getting the folic acid she needed.

I hope this was helpful to anyone who has had a miscarriage or recurrent miscarriages without getting any explanations. 

But more than that, I hope this was a reminder and lesson for some of you that you never know what someone is going through.  Just because one baby was easy to carry, does NOT mean the next one is/will be.

A lesson for some of you that a question like “When are you having a/another baby?”  is never appropriate no matter how well you think you know someone.  If it is a habit of yours to ask women of child-bearing age a question like that, take it COMPLETELY out of all conversations…and don’t go behind her back and ask her mother or sibling either.

A pregnancy is usually announced by the mother and father to be.  So, WHY the HECK would you think a mother or sibling would announce that to you?  Nosey much?  You made my mother feel so uncomfortable.

A lesson for some of you to not be so tactless.  If a friend JUST shared with you that she is in the physical recovery process of a miscarriage, don’t walk up all giddy only a few days later while she is STILL recovering physically to share your pregnancy news…especially if you are only 5-6 weeks along and won’t be showing for weeks.  We won’t even get into the emotional recovery from a miscarriage because that is different for everyone.

A lesson for some of you to let the one who has had the miscarriage direct any conversations about the miscarriage.  When she says she doesn’t want to share anymore, do not ask her in a public place how “the medicine is working” a few days later.  Or when she wants to try for another pregnancy.  Your curiosity is irrelevant.

A lesson for some you that if a friend who has had miscarriages gets other bad news, don’t tell her about your pregnancy the VERY next day.  Just wait a little longer. 

We are very excited for our pregnant friends, but that doesn’t stop us from feeling like we’re “falling behind” or keep us from thinking about our baby that would’ve been due around the same time as yours and how the two would’ve grown up together and been best buds.  So just be a little more considerate PLEASE.

Have you ever walked into an ultrasound expecting to see a little peanut, but instead there is absolutely nothing there?

Have you ever woken up in a panic because by now you are supposed to have a huge belly with a life kicking and swimming inside, but you feel empty and numb?

Or woken up in a panic because your due date has passed so you should be hearing a crying baby in the middle of the night?

Have you ever wondered if your body is ever going to do what it was created to do?

Have you ever felt so guilty because you don’t have the physical or emotional energy to be there for your husband or other child in the way they need you…for months on end?

Or been made to feel guilty because you should “be grateful for the child you DO have” or “God will give you another one when He thinks you’re ready”?

If you answered “No” to most of these, then you cannot understand the pain.  So, take all these lessons to heart.

**If these sound very specific, then, yes, you guessed it.  Pretty much all of these actually happened to me**  So many people do not think before they speak.

What should you say?  “I’ll be praying for you.”  If you can relate, “I understand.  I’ve been there too.”  “Can I bring your family dinner some day this week?”  “If you want to talk about it anytime, I’m here.”  Then, leave. it. at. that.  If we want to share more, we will.  If not, NO QUESTIONS.  It’s our journey, not yours. 

If you got through all of this, thank you, my friend.  We are 16 weeks pregnant now and so very excited.  It was kinda bittersweet that I made our social media announcement of this rainbow baby exactly one year to the day after we announced our first miscarriage.  I still get so nervous at every appointment that something will be wrong when it’s time to hear the heartbeat or see the ultrasound.  We want this new baby to have a meaning of hope and goodness in his or her name because the HOPE in The Lord's GOODNESS that I had seen before was sometimes the only thing that gave me strength to get out of bed for my husband and little girl.  Please, PLEASE pray for a perfectly healthy pregnancy and sibling for our sweet little girl.  Thank you all so much.

To my sweet friends who have experienced what I have.  I pray for you.  I know what it's like.  I hope you can see The Lord's goodness. 

Love, 

Leslie

Delight in one another

I talk about motherhood a lot on this blog because that's the stage of life I'm in right now, but I care very deeply about other things, especially relationships with friends, no matter what stage of life we’re all in.  And this is an interesting thing I've been noticing lately-

You know those friends that are pretty good at deserting you when you're going through hard times? (or at least don't know how to deal with it /be a good friend) Anybody have the opposite happen? Like do you have a friend that doesn't seem to be around or know how to celebrate with you in your joys and good times?

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm almost 30 and I am learning how to be a friend during motherhood, but I just don't feel like dealing with this kind of pettiness at this point.  Now, as an adult and a mom, I know how hard it can be to keep up with people.  Life is crazy.  Life is busy.  For EVERYONE.  I can go months without having a long conversation with a friend to catch up (although if years go by of me being the only one to initiate a conversation, I will eventually stop trying) and when we do catch up, we pick right back up where we left off.  But if you only really speak up or pay attention to my life when I am going through something rough, but the rest of the time ignore my good moments, joys, and celebrations...that makes me figure that you only want to see me go through hard times, whether that's your intention or not.  All it does to me is make you look either very petty or jealous.

Anybody else have this happen to you?  How do you (personally) deal with someone like that?

I started noticing a pattern where certain people very rarely tried to keep up with me or encouraged me until something went wrong in my life (examples- went months without hearing from them unless I initiated until my sister's accident last year or my health problems in the fall.  Then, they responded and showed sympathy, but as soon as those situations ended, I haven’t heard from them since)  At our age and stage in life, part time friends is sometimes all we can be.  Someone recently asked  "Why be my Facebook friend if we never talk?"  And I responded, "Because people's lives go in different directions and for us right now it means putting our 2 year old before friendships sometimes, but we still like to keep up with our friends as long as they can be understanding of that fact..."

I don't have a problem with "part time" friends as that's kinda what I'm having to be right now, but when it becomes very clear that you are ignoring me until it suits you for me to be in your life, that's when I just wanna be like "Bye Felicia!" because I am too old for girl drama and pettiness.  PLUS, my daughter watches how I carry out friendships with my girl-friends and I think it’s important for her to see women lifting each other up in the good AND bad, laughing AND crying, celebrating AND grieving.  And if a woman can’t do both with you, learning to walk away from them.

It makes me think of this quote from Matt Chandler-

"He forms this body of believers and so that in that we care for the good of one another. And we do that in multiple ways. One, we delight in one another. Like, your strengths are a delight to me! I’m praying that my strengths are a delight to you. We are not threatened by each other’s strengths. We delight in it. You are not me. I am not you. We are different.

We don’t look at other people’s gifts with jealousy. We exalt that God has gifted them like that. And we are grateful that we become better, we become stronger, we know The Lord more deeply because of the gifts given to them.

We delight in one another by spending time together. From my family to my friends, there are few things that bring me joy like good company."

Friends, I delight in you.  I hope you can delight in me too.  If not, something is not right in one of our hearts.

Love,

Leslie 

Mommas, you don't have to do everything.

Whether you’re a working momma or stay at home momma of littles, this is one of the hardest seasons.  I know (most of the time it's fun too, but hard)  There are days (or months) where your child refuses to nap, throws tantrums, hangs on your leg the ENTIRE time you try to cook dinner, nights of very little sleep and days of potty training, and weeks with very little adult interaction if you are a SAHM like me or weeks of wishing you had more time with your baby if you are a working momma. (and don’t forget each of us is judged no matter what we do, and offered advice by women who ignored us before we were mothers or “on the same level” as some see it)

My family doesn't make it to Sunday church every week…or even every month.  In fact, this year was so hard as you have probably read in previous posts, that we barely went at all.  We needed REST.  We still stayed involved.  We participated in a small group every week.  I participated in MOPS and MOPS Bible Study every week.  We were and are still committed to loving and serving God, even if that means we are doing it from our couch more Sundays than not.  Some may disagree, but serving my family comes before serving a church.  I need to make sure my family is well taken care of, before I use the little energy I have pouring myself into different activities outside my home.

Hear me when I say, I’m not advocating for me to get to be lazy outside of serving my family.  I don’t have a ton of wisdom to offer, but just from my experience, I do have something to say-  It is absolutely ok to be in a season where you are served more than you are serving, you are resting more than committing, participating instead of hosting/leading.

I am in a small group with some of the closest friends I’ve ever had.  About once a month or so, the leaders try to come up with a service project.  Some projects are just buying certain items to donate to a certain shelter or program.  Those I can almost always participate in.  However, if it involves our family getting up and helping in a soup kitchen early on a Saturday morning, we won’t normally be able to participate.  We are not hiring a babysitter during this season so that both of us can spend time working outside of the home.  Sometimes, one of us can participate while the other stays with our little girl.  And that is OK.

One of my favorite ways to serve in this season that doesn’t require me to find a babysitter or a lot of extra time- Making meals for new moms. It’s not hard since I’m already making dinner for my own family to double a casserole recipe or to make twice as much taco meat and buy twice as many tortillas.  (or if it is a busy or difficult week, but a new mom is still in need, just buying a frozen meal to give or even calling a delivery place for the family) I love doing this now because I know what it's like to barely be able to keep your eyes open, much less get up and prepare an entire meal for the rest of the family. 

The Lord never said we needed to try to take care of EVERYTHING in every season.  He just said what you do, do well.  “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men”-Colossians 3:23-

He also gently cares for us, mommas-

"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." -Isaiah 40:11-

Right now, He is gently leading me to realize when and where to serve and to say “no” I can’t take care of everything right now.  I can worship and serve him well in my own home.

Love,

Leslie

Our journey. Not yours.

I know this is a really lame post for the first one of 2017, but I need to say it…

We have been asked.  My mother has been asked.  Even MY SISTER has been asked.

So, let me set the record straight.  It is NONE of your business when my husband and I are “planning” or “trying” for another baby.

As of right now, we do not have a baby due in 2017.  If that changes, you can find out WHEN I WANT to give out that info.

Not really sure why or how it became socially acceptable to ask that question.  Yeah, “everyone just gets curious” yadda yadda yadda….you’re basically asking how often my husband and I get down to business (oh I’m sorry, did reading that make you uncomfortable?  Well, how do you think I feel ANSWERING that question?)

This has been the most stressful year of our lives.  The Hubs is in the car 3 hours a day just driving to and from work.  Sometimes, he doesn’t even get to see the one child he does have every day.  We miss him quite a lot.  And that’s not all.  I have had some health issues throughout the years, including 2016...and it's a good idea to make sure your body is strong and healthy before you carry around a baby inside of you for 9 months, right?  Yeah...

I have some friends with kids less than a year apart.  I have a friend with college and high school age kids…then had another baby last year.  Everyone’s family journey is different and unique….and it’s our journey, not yours.

"Mind your own biscuits, and life will be gravy" -KACEY MUSGRAVES-

Thanks,

Leslie

Another Thanksgiving

This year has been tough.  Almost from the very beginning as my sister broke her back in a horse riding accident in January (to those who still ask how her recovery is going, you are so sweet.  She is actually doing great.  Her back gets a little tight sometimes, but she has already been back on a horse, taking it much easier now)  My husband’s job commute is 2.5-3 hours daily which extended to about 4 during the crazy floods in the spring.  We got some really hard news this fall….and don’t know when good news will come from that specific situation. Oh and let’s not even get started on the crazy political atmosphere we have in this country right now…

And I know I’m not alone.  I’ve had many friends share their stories of discouragement and heartache in 2016.  I wrote a Thanksgiving in May post because I wanted to focus on the good, instead of the bad that was happening.  Well, 2016 has continued to disappoint, but I still want to find the good to praise the Lord for.

Since I wrote that post in May, I’ll start with something good in each month since then.

June-  My birthday month. And my Momma’s.  And Mom-in-law's.  We had good family time and I actually celebrated my birthday with my in-laws over Father’s Day weekend.  How many people can say they are HAPPY to celebrate their birthday with in-laws?  Not many, but mine are the best.  They made me a cake and bought be some of my favorite things.  Then, watched baby girl so the Hubs and I could go out.

July-  I saw one of my cousin’s marry his high school sweetheart in one of the sweetest, God honoring ceremonies I’ve been to.  Also, Cow Appreciation Day!  I had been waiting several years to go with one of my favorites who has an amazing cow onesie that she wears to celebrate the joyous occasion every July.  It was such a fun day being silly with her and baby girl!

August-  The Hub’s birthday.  We had such a fun celebration with family and friends.  Also, baby girl turned 18 months…and ever since that big milestone, she has just been getting an even bigger, funnier, sassier, sillier personality and it’s just adorable.

September-  This was the hardest month.  But we had an awesome friendcation with my best friend, our husbands, and our babies.  It was full of relaxing days, refreshing conversations, and fun times in a nice little house out in Wimberley, Texas.  Also, had some good sisterhood time one afternoon with a few friends from college!

October-  Family reunions, baby showers, pumpkin patches, Taco Salad Parties, and friends’ gender reveal parties.  October, while it didn’t feel very much like fall outside, had many good celebrations to help with the sadness of September.

November-  Full of family time.  My parents hosted an awesome Thanksgiving Day feast…and helped a lot with baby girl. Then, went to the in-laws for the weekend for some more family time, food, rest, and help with baby girl. 

My momma came today, brought Chickfila, and helped with baby girl until she went down for a nap.  Then, my dad is coming when he gets off work and will bring us some dinner.  They both usually do this once a week for us.  So sweet.

Hoping December will end with 2017 not looking as dreary as 2016 has been.  However, you can see that I really do have a lot of blessings to think about, praise Jesus for, and not forget.  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!  Can you think of something to be thankful for each month?

Love,

Leslie

Missing

About 10 years ago, I wrote music (Well, lyrics.  I don’t have a musical bone in my body as I am completely tone deaf lol…although I did learn a few chords on the guitar that I’m still ok at playing) whenever I had time.  It was usually in lonely or difficult/discouraging times in high school or college.  I think the last time I wrote anything was sometime in the middle of college, but sometimes things happen that just make me write…like it’s the only way to control my thoughts when everything else doesn’t make sense.  Plus, it’s very therapeutic.  So, here is “Missing”

MISSING

The missing piece leaves me puzzled.  It keeps my mind worried.

Time is never on my side no matter what’s happening

I can already imagine how this will end

I don’t want to be weak, moving along in slow motion

It won’t leave my mind, I don’t have answers

When missing a life, I’m so unsure

With the hurt, I am broken

With my doubt, I am hoping

So, I carry on, carry on, carry on,

I’m gonna carry on for us

This missing light makes me fall down while darkness comes in

I try so hard to see through it, looking for normal within

I still stand up and fight so this won’t ruin me

The pain will stay for a while. But one day I’ll find healing.

It won’t leave my mind, I don’t have answers

When missing a life, I’m so unsure

With the hurt, I am broken

With my doubt, I am hoping

So, I carry on, carry on, carry on,

I’m gonna carry on for us

I’m just trying to understand

And this was never part of my plan

I’m just trying not to come undone

Please don’t take this away again

The missing dream that I have always longed for

Don’t let it slip away from me, Give me faith to be stronger

It won’t leave my mind, I don’t have answers

When missing a life, I’m so unsure

With the hurt, I am broken

With my doubt, I am hoping

So, I carry on, carry on, carry on,

I’m gonna carry on for us

So I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (keep carrying on),

I'm gonna carry on for us

So I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (I still carry on),

I'm gonna carry on for us

September was a hard month…Octobers usually make things a little better.  I have hope.  It's ok to be hopeful in uncertain parts of your life. Don't let someone try to take that hope away from you.  Thankful for the hugs and support of my Hubby, little girl, and a few others close to us.

Love,

Leslie

Like a Lightning Storm (Part 2)

Part 2

Click here for Part 1 if you want to read it.

The meds really drain my energy.  When I first got on them, I would nap for at least 3 hours after classes, even if I had a good night’s sleep.  I have been able to adjust to them more since then, but my full energy never returned.  Another side effect.

If you have a friend going through a storm….

Please don’t act like it’s a big deal when you help a friend going through a storm-

No driving for 6 months (normal restriction after a seizure) during my student teaching.  Relying on friends during hard times is tough.  I had friends give me a ride from campus to my apartment just a couple times and act like they hung the moon for me.  Don’t get me wrong, it was helpful, but I had people I barely knew offer to do that much for me. 

Please, don’t get upset when your friend can’t be there for you during their storm-

I had several close friends try to deem what was best for me or our friendship and get upset that I couldn't be there the way they wanted me to at the time, instead of just making the time to be there and ask what my needs were.  It's not like any of us want to be in a time of extra need or vulnerability, but it usually happens to everyone at some point.  I’m really sorry that I forgot to ask how your day was, when I was struggling to stay awake while at the same time making sure I got enough sleep and didn’t drink too much caffeine, find a ride home, cope with an abusive boyfriend who eventually left me during the storm, remember to take my meds, remember what I was going to be teaching the next day, AND keep up with my friends too.  I wasn’t meaning to forget about you EVER, but at that time, I was in hell.  Where were you?

Please don’t act like doing a simple thing for a friend in a storm is a hardship for you-

I mentioned in the last post that a family member had a pretty traumatic experience too.  My sister broke her back when she got bucked off a horse at the beginning of this year.  She was bed-ridden for weeks.  The only thing she could do was watch tv or look at her phone.  When I saw how depressed she was about the injury and possibility of not riding again (plus the fact that she had crappy friends who barely visited her), I set up a surprise event online, asking friends to mail her some snail mail to give her something else to do. Two weeks later, my sister had received ONE thing in the mail! It was sent by MY sweet brother-in-law and sister-in-law. My brother-in-law has spent maybe a few hours with my little sister, and my sister-in-law has never even met her....and some of those invited to send encouragement have known her for YEARS! How discouraging! It's "friends" like this that have made my sister want very little to do with church people. STEP UP. BE JESUS.  Unless you had an excuse worse than breaking your back, it takes only a few minutes to pick out a card, write a few sentences, address and stamp it, and put it in a mailbox. I actually had a friend text me and tell me so many people only do online stuff now that that’s why no one was taking the time to send something in the mail and that I should set up a Facebook group to post comments for my sister.  Really?  Did you NOT just read that Facebook and tv is ALL she could do all day?  I was trying to give my extremely discouraged sister something a little more than a Facebook comment that takes all of 5 seconds to type.  My sister doesn't have the type of godly, caring friends that I do (or thought I did)....this was supposed to help, but instead it showed me just how many people I can count on in times of need. (Note- a few more people stepped up after I wrote this summary on Facebook right after her accident, so she ended up getting a few more things delivered.  To those, I am extremely thankful.) 

EVERYONE has a busy life. That is the CRAPPIEST excuse, and my sister and I both heard it.  You don't think everyone has busy times in their life? Yes we all do, but don't neglect your most loyal friends in their biggest times of need. BE THERE for the ones you care about, ESPECIALLY during the hardest times of their life! 

If you speak of loving people well, but can’t find time for something as simple as a sympathy card in the mail, your love is immature.  If you speak of loving people well, but you pat yourself on the back for giving someone a ride home once or twice, your love is conceited.  If you get angry at a friend not showing you attention during THEIR storm, your love is selfish.  Love is not just being there when it’s convenient, sometimes it’s about being there when it isn’t convenient at all.

It’s as simple as this.  If you think any of what I posted applies to you, whether it was in my situation, my sister’s, or a completely different situation, this is just meant to encourage people to brave the storm with your friend, instead of complaining about the rain through it.  Like I said above, no one wants to be in a lightning storm, but it happens to everyone at some point.  If you haven’t been through one, your time will come eventually…and I sure hope you have friends to walk through the floods….because if you don’t, the pain cuts even deeper than the storm by itself.  And if you are walking through one right now, please let me or someone else you trust know what is going on.  I want to walk with you.  No one should feel as alone as I did.

Love,

Leslie

P.S.  I do want to let a few people know I was extremely grateful for your encouragement and care for me during these horrible times- My family, education professors, Penn1 guy friends, Amber Webb, Allie Thompson, Angela Long, Bekah Brown, Emily Huebner, and anyone I barely knew who gave me a ride in those 6 months, and anyone who sent my sister something in the mail.  Your kindness did not go unnoticed, I promise!