Forgive- to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone) to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)
Trust- assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.
I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for 2 years before my precious, amazing, trustworthy, 100% better husband came around.
I found a description one time of an emotionally abusive relationship
5 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship-
1. “You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner.”
2. “Your feelings and opinions are rarely validated.”
3. “Your partner is mistrustful of you for no reason.”
4. “You feel like you are unable to discuss problems in the relationship.”
5. “You feel ‘stuck’ or confused most of the time.”
YES TO EVERY SINGLE ONE.
The guy from this past relationship not only hid, but flat out lied about an addiction he had during and way before our relationship. He was the type of person that would say one thing, then turn around and do the COMPLETE opposite….telling me he had “made a mistake” and I needed to forgive, forget, and get over it right away….all the while leaving me to wonder what his real character was, which one was the real him.
So, YES
I walked on eggshells wondering which version (the one that tells me what a respectable, mature person he is or the one who does the complete opposite of respectable and mature) I was going to get that week.
My feelings and opinions were often pushed aside when I worried about the difference between his words and actions….sometimes making me seem like his enemy.
He would get extremely jealous and freak out when I talked to his friends, thinking I would fall in love with one of them and leave him (usually he was present AND I was talking to them about HIM. In NO WAY was I ever flirting with another guy while we dated…he had NO reason to mistrust me), yet he thought it was completely ok to go clubbing and drinking with other women when I wasn’t around during some of our dating.
He would tell me to keep his “mistakes” and problems just between us, instead of seeking advice from people with more wisdom than us, and if I told anyone I would be "disrespecting" him.
So, YES I felt “stuck” and confused. I fell in love with who he told me he was and pretended to be. In reality, I never loved who he actually was, the man he lied about and hid from me.
Not to mention all the evidence that points to me having a stalker in the year and a half following our break-up…but that’s a whole other story.
I have had someone come to me and say they feel bad that they didn’t help their boyfriend stay in touch with my ex. I’ve had someone else say “Why does it matter if someone close to you wants to keep up with him…if you’ve TRULY forgiven him?”
And that is where my problem is. First, I don’t know how keeping in touch with someone who causes that much damage to someone you care about could be beneficial to anyone. Second, if that man ever came up to me and asked for my forgiveness, I could honestly say I forgive him (Just as Christ forgives me)….then in that same conversation, I would tell him that I fell in love with a fake version of him and would find no value in trusting him to be present in my life again. So, yes you can forgive the wrong, but sometimes there’s no reason, benefit, value, or good in trusting someone in your life after that much damage.
This man settled down in my husband’s hometown. So, any time we go back for a visit to see my in-laws, I have to wonder whether I will run into him or his wife and whether one of them with try to approach me…and I have run into them a few times, but thank goodness my husband is always by my side and they never try to speak to me.
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
~MAYA ANGELOU~
This is in the past. It was a huge part of my life at one point, and like I said, I still have to deal with it when I go back to my husband’s hometown. It definitely changed me as a person. I’m not so naïve to believe that anyone who shows an interest in my life is trustworthy enough to be part of my life. Let me be the first to say we all make mistakes. Not a day goes by where I don't worry about, waste time on, or have pride in something I shouldn't. The dangerous part is when people keep things as secret sins and hurt the innocent. God always knows and cares. I am caring, honest, trustworthy, and godly. Neither that man nor anyone else can take that TRUTH about my character away.
For years I have wanted to explain this situation because people just don‘t seem to understand that forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. They don’t always go hand in hand.
Do you understand? If you are in a situation similar to this, please get help AND get out.
~Leslie~
