Like a Lightning Storm (part 1)

I LOVE the summer Olympics.  I always look forward to the gymnastics competitions.  It is amazing to see what these athletes are capable of, how they can twist, turn, stretch, and push their bodies to do extraordinary actions.

At the same time, it is a reminder at how fragile bodies can be.  It is the anniversary of one of the most terrifying times of my life.

I wrote this on my blog right after it happened…

That night started out as an ordinary evening spent with my family. We were talking and watching the Olympics. Then, I lay on the couch. For the next few minutes, I don’t remember anything. Mom said it looked like I was stretching, then got stuck that way. I started trembling. I was having a seizure. It lasted a minute or so, then I went unconscious. My face turned blue.  My parents called an ambulance. I didn’t wake up until the paramedic gave me oxygen. Then, he took blood, asking me basic questions, like where I go to school. My family tells me I was so disoriented I acted like a child, pushing the oxygen mask away, and complaining about them taking blood from my finger, and giggling about my answers to the questions. I don’t remember a thing. I remember them asking me a question about something right before getting into the car to go to the hospital. We were at the hospital for at least 3 hours. They did a brain scan, checked blood pressure, and did several other tests. All came back fine. We got back home past midnight and I slept almost all day afterwards, still having a headache.  Seizures are sometimes caused by stress, eating at unusual times, and/or caffeine.  I felt a little dizzy, not much, but then I was just out. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me since my stroke at birth.

It happened 8 years ago. 

I still have side effects, like migraines that come on so hard, I lose my vision for 30 seconds or more.  Thank goodness I’ve only been driving once when it happened, on a road with few cars and I could pull off real fast before I wrecked into something.  The meds really drain my energy.  Sometimes, my memory is not as good as it once was.

While in college exactly 2 months later, I had another one.  After that, I got put on epilepsy medicine (which I will probably be on the rest of my life because I was told after you have 2 seizures, there is a 50/50 chance that you could have another one in your life)  and was not allowed to drive for 6 months.

Someone once described a seizure like this- 

End part 1

Love,

Leslie

P.S. I know this was kinda dramatic, but a friend recently told me they had no idea that I had had a grand mal seizure (the most dramatic kind) which is funny because I was so open about it, yet felt so very alone at the time….and something pretty dramatic happened to a family member this year, and she had many react the same way people responded to me afterwards.  So, part 2 will be a "How to respond during a lightning storm in your friend's life".  Just hoping to help others in really crappy situations.

29

29.  The last year of my 20s started last month.  They FLEW BY….and at the same time, I don’t even recognize myself from a few years back.  The 20s are pretty big, defining years for most people.  I’ve been thinking through them- the things I’m most thankful for through the years, most important things I learned, etc…

Early 20s-

-I am so thankful for the wise and caring professors during this time and the friends I had, especially in the education department at LU. 

-I would tell my early 20s self to get far, far away from some of those closest to me during this time.  And would also remind myself to keep in better touch with some back home as they would become better friends than those I was spending a lot of my time with.

-I am so thankful that, even though I had some of the scariest health times of my life during this time, that it wasn’t worse and I’m still able to manage it with daily epilepsy meds.  And I would tell myself to get used to health problems because they aren’t going away.

-I would MAKE SURE I left him as soon as I saw his response to the first seizure.  I would tell those who thought I wasn’t “present” or “there” for them, the kind of hell I was stuck in.  I would beg them to try harder to reach me, instead of telling me they “put way more into the friendship” than I did.  Communication is not a one way street.

Post grad-

-Just breathe.  It is all going to turn out ok….actually way better than you could’ve ever thought at this point. 

-I’m thankful for graduation and my church and job in Dallas. 

-I would tell myself it’s ok to live by yourself.  You do not need a roommate during this time in your life.  Learn about yourself as an adult instead of letting girl drama move in.

-I learned not to stay in situations that are discouraging over and over again without any change.  Get out. 

-Thankful for God’s grace in answering my prayer to bring me someone I could rely on and not have to learn to trust after so much untrustworthiness in my life-my good friend Riley took a chance and asked me to be his girlfriend.

Mid-20s-

- Thankful for marriage

- I apparently can’t make it more than 6 months away from Texas haha, and I’m ok with that.  Thankful for a Texan husband!

- Be careful who you vent to…some people CAN’T WAIT to make you look like a fool.

- I would tell myself not to let rude people turn me into a rude person.  It definitely happened a few times.  This world needs more kindness and gentleness passed on instead…

Late 20s-

- Thankful for children.

- Thankful for my parents and in-law’s wisdom and godly examples in our marriage and parenting.

- I am sorry to women who aren’t encouraged when they become moms…I have the MOST encouraging group of people I’ve ever had in my life right now, and am so thankful!
- Apparently there will always be women trying to start girl drama no matter what stage of life you're in.  Just leave them alone.

-Life is hard everywhere you turn.  Care for others, but beware of those who act like they are the only ones who ever go through anything.  They won’t be there much for you if you are the one going through something.

-  Life is about balance, even more after you become a parent.  How much time with/without your baby, how much time cleaning vs. sleeping, how much money on babysitting to get a date night, how often to ask family to babysit for free, how often to let your kid do this or that, when to let your kid do this or that, IF to let your kid do this or that, making time for friends when your baby refuses to nap etc. etc.

-  Learning to love who God created me to be and being ok with things that I used to think were flaws (my cerebral palsy, introverted/shy nature, sensitive soul. etc.)

-  I pray for contentment, courage, and confidence in this last year of my 20s and moving into my 30s

- Oh, and I pray for ENERGY to serve Him and my family well.

As I sat here at my laptop a few times to write this, the “things” that came to mind, as you may have noticed, are the people and relationships that defined my life in my 20s.  Life is always about people coming and going, staying and leaving, loving and living.  I learned to love well (including myself) and let go of those who don't love me back well.

Love,

Leslie

Thanksgiving in May...

While I was on a lunch date with a friend recently, we started discussing how 2016 is just a really crappy year so far for both of us, our families, politics (I mean REALLY?!  THOSE are the choices for our next President?!  I can’t imagine Hilary as commander of anything, much less Commander-in-chief), etc…just crappy all around.

You may or may not know that my husband works over an hour from our home right now.  He usually spends around 3 hours in the car each day just driving to and from work….the flood made it more like 4 hours for several weeks.  He barely gets to spend time with our baby girl during the week.  On top of that, he decided to buy an old BMW off Craigslist as a commuter car so that he doesn’t keep putting 120 miles on his truck every day.  After driving the BMW for THREE days, a guy rear ended him.  Then, the guy is dishonest and files a claim with our insurance saying my husband switched lanes at the last minute.  So, his insurance won’t cover the damages to husband’s car.

Ugh.

We haven’t been super social lately because we’re both either exhausted or trying to catch up on projects or trying to catch up as a family over the weekend.

Anyway, I just didn’t want to keep focusing on the negative.  I wanted to think (even as hard as it is lately) about the good in 2016-

I’m thankful my husband has a job.  We know many who do not right now.

I’m thankful he wasn’t injured in the wreck.

I’m thankful for my baby’s first birthday this year.

I’m thankful she’s too little to remember how busy her Daddy is right now trying to make sure she (and I) are provided for

I’m thankful baby girl has FINALLY started napping for about an hour and half most (not today or any other day she falls asleep in the car during outings lol) days.

I’m thankful for friends who are super understanding about me having ZERO time to socialize for months b/c of the reasons listed, but then when we finally get to hang out, we pick up right where we left off.

I’m thankful we only had a little water in the house from the flood.  Towels and fans took care of it.  And all of our family was safe and dry too!

I’m thankful for a Momma who will come watch my baby girl so I can have a best friend date to get nails done for the first time in MONTHS. Momma ALSO brought me Chickfila...THEN decided to have baby girl stay the night with her so that I could get some things done around the house and around town and have extra chill time with the Hubs.

I’m thankful my Dad comes in most Thursdays and brings me dinner so that Riley and I don’t have to pay for a babysitter while we are at small group each week.

I’m thankful for that sweet small group community and my community at MOPS.

I’m thankful our family beach vacation is coming VERY soon.

Life is a bit rough right now, but this season, this year, won’t last forever.

Love,

Leslie

Leslie's Limp

I’m about to open up in a way I don’t very often, friends.

As a preemie baby, I had a form of a stroke when I was born which caused me to have mild cerebral palsy on the right side of my body.  I walk with a limp and do not have much use of my right hand.  I can pretty much only open and close it in a fist.  I cannot move my fingers individually on that hand. Many of you know at least some of this, but probably not all.  

I’ve never been in any pain from the stroke or cerebral palsy.  It’s mostly just a huge annoyance.  People don’t always notice a “slight” disability right away.  Chickfila is the best place to work ever and my bosses were totally understanding, but every time a new person started working with me and asked me to do something like carry a tub of sweet tea or lemonade from the back of the store to the front and pour it from the tub to the high containers without spilling, I had to tell them I couldn’t do that.  Then, sometimes explain to them WHY I couldn’t in front of other employees.  And can’t pour the ice cream in the ice cream maker for the same reason.  Or tell them that I don’t work at the drive thru during busy hours because I type the order in too slowly….etc etc. you get the picture.  Sometimes, they just thought I was trying to get out of work.

When I was little, it didn’t really bother me much.  I didn’t even realize I was very different.  As a teenager, I became more self-conscious about it (especially around boys and co-workers), and the feeling of not being “enough” or lacking something crept in.  Now as an adult with a lot more responsibility, it is the hardest time to deal with it.

Some things you may have never thought of that are difficult for me-

I’m typing right now with one hand and had to do that with every paper I ever wrote in high school and college.

I like to cook, but something as simple as draining grease from a pan, chopping vegetables, or icing a cake sometimes requires (a) my husband’s help or (b) 4 times as much time as most people need.  And now that I have a very affectionate and physically needy child, if she is screaming and pulling on my leg to be held while I’m in the kitchen, sometimes I need 5 or 6 times as much time to complete a task.

Chores- oh where do I begin?  It’s hard enough for ANY parent to vacuum and hold a clingy child at the same time.  For me?  It’s almost impossible. (I did do baby wearing when she was much smaller, but even the Ergo is hard to get on by myself)

Even something as simple as lighting a match is extremely difficult for me.

I’ve learned to adapt to most things.  I would start papers early and take breaks.  I either start dinner way before the hubby gets home or find easy dinners.  We budgeted so that baby girl could go to a Mother’s Day Out one day a week, and I could clean the house that day without breaking my back.

Yes, there are so many people that have way worse struggles than me.  I know.  I know pretty much everyone deals with struggles not many people know about.  I'm tired of mine being one "not many people know about."  That's all.  I just needed to get this out because I have felt judged in numerous situations and people probably don’t realize what's going on.  I am learning to accept that-

I’m a SAHM who should have “plenty of time” to keep a clean house, but can’t.

I bring store-bought cookies to many events or my icing job sucks on the homemade ones I do bring.

I don’t like to participate in game nights, especially ones that involve charades or other certain physical activities, but will always have people pressure me to and try to embarrass me when I still don’t participate.

Whenever we do have company, the hubs is the one doing most of the food-prep and cooking because it would take me too long.

People will think I’m a "demanding" or "needy" spouse for asking my hubs to help with such simple tasks as going through a buffet line, ESPECIALLY if soup is involved (one thing that almost gives me full on anxiety attacks lol)  

P.S. My husband doesn't mind.  God gave me the BEST helpmate!

These are all things I have felt judged for.  I know this post was ALL about ME.  This isn’t to get sympathy or anything like that.  And some of you may even think that it's not that bad and I’m just not trying hard enough or making excuses so that I can just be lazy about things.  No.  I’ve pushed myself too hard for too long.  This is to inform.  This is for me, the perfectionist, to set myself free a little, to cut myself some slack, to be ok with myself, struggles and all. 

Is there something in your life you need to let go?  Is there something you need to cut yourself some slack on?  To be ok with yourself, struggles and all?

 This encouragement has been my life verse since high school.  “His righteous right hand” is so special every time I read it.  HIS strength, His help, His grace, His mercies are what my life is all about anyway.  He can use me AND my disability.

Love,

Leslie

Little Love

Our sweet baby girl turns one tomorrow.  I cannot believe her first birthday is already here! 

She is the greatest little blessing.  We planned for her and prayed for her, and God heard.  She was by no means a surprise.  However, her birthdate WAS.  She was due March 2^nd, but chose to come 6 days early, not much I know, but 6 days early put her birthday the day BEFORE the hubs and my anniversary. (at least it wasn’t 5 days early, right? Haha)  She still let us have “our day”.

I’m not gonna lie.  When she was first born, it reeeeally bothered me that her birthday was the day before our anniversary.  Understand, I was never bitter towards her.  No, not at all.  I just kept thinking, “Why couldn’t we have been able to get pregnant one month sooner?  Why couldn’t I have gone a little past my due date like a lot of my friends?”  But really, the dates being right next to each other on the calendar mostly bothered me because of what I thought other people were thinking.  I still get comments like, “Holy crap.  Her birthday is literally the day before your anniversary?!”  Or “You’ll never get to celebrate your anniversary again!”  And “You are going to have to start celebrating your half anniversary!”  No.  Just STOP.  Yes, we did spend our anniversary in the hospital last year.  Yes, we have a unique situation, but we do not have to give up our day. 

Actually, in some ways, it makes things a little easier.  My in-laws are coming into town to celebrate her birthday and will be staying at our house.  So, they are going to stay with her over-night on our anniversary so that we can go to dinner and stay in a hotel that night.  Free babysitter alllll night.  Yeah, it’s not so bad.  There’s just a lot of love this week of February as we celebrate OUR love and our first “little love” :-)

Some of my favorite things about our Little Love-

As soon as she was born, the nurse said “You look just like your daddy!” and that’s all I heard for months (not a bad thing as he and his brothers were some of the CUTEST little boys ever), but she has started looking a little more like me too lately

Even though she is WALKING all over the house, she still loves to stop and snuggle with Momma

She adores the pets, especially sharing her food (sometimes handfuls of her favorite) with them.  Esther the dog has found a best friend haha, and even the scaredy cat will let her pet him.

She loves to kiss me, her Daddy, Esther doggy, stuffed animals….

She loves welcoming her Daddy when he gets home from work 
Even though it makes it more difficult for me lol, she always wants to see what I'm cooking

She loves to play outside and isn’t afraid to get dirty

She is a social butterfly, not shy at all

She is really confident when she tries new things

She loves music, and will clap or dance almost anytime music is playing in the house, but especially when she hears Carrie Underwood...and will play the guitar with her Grandpa

She loves to be told about photos on the walls or in our phones

She is a good little traveler

She is such a sweet, happy baby

She smiles A LOT

She gave me a new name- Momma

She is MINE and the greatest gift I’ve ever received

Love,

Momma Leslie

Rest. Refresh. Balance. FLOURISH.

During a MOPS meeting at the beginning of last semester, the topic was “Embracing Rest”.  Our lovely speaker had us write on a random piece of paper a list of things that make us feel refreshed.

Here are some on my list-

Nap with baby girl when she naps…the dishes can wait.

Going for a walk on the walking trail in our subdivision.

Taking photos

Chickfila Dates

Organizing (when I have someone else watching baby girl…this is NOT restful/refreshing when she is in the same room haha)

Massages

And we are supposed to keep that and add to the list.  I’ve already added-

Blogging

Making time for my business adventures

Long showers/baths

2015 was a wonderfully crazy, busy year having a new baby, starting a business, getting little rest and sleep.  I know the years are going to bring much more of that too.  But I decided to take control of “Leslie Time” this month.  I love, LOVE being a SAHM (stay at home Mom)  I wouldn’t want it any other way!  However, my sweet girl has not napped well since she first starting teething about 4 months ago.  She still sleeps through the night 10-12 hours, but unless she is in the car or in my arms, naps rarely last even half an hour 1 or 2 times a day.  Plus, first year trying to build up her immune system and sticking everything in her mouth at the same time meant colds every couple of weeks since the beginning of fall.  Most days, I don’t mind the extra snuggles.  They are SO very sweet.  However, sometimes I just need “Leslie time”.  Part of that is being introverted, part of it is just needing balance.

Our house had begun to look like a tornado went through it on a daily basis because I couldn’t work on chores until she went to bed for the night.  And that time after she goes to bed is precious hubby quality time I don't want to give up either! Now, I’m not a neat-freak and I know my house will never be as it once was, with all the extra toys diapers, wipes, blankies, etc. but it was just getting ridiculous and down-right depressing me.  I didn’t want guests EVER.

I haven’t been able to make lunch dates or any kind of friend dates that weren’t scheduled (like small group, MOPS, etc.) or right after those scheduled events.  I am seriously missing some of my friend dates, and never wanted to push those friendships aside when I became a momma.

So, Hubs and I decided to work on our budget and put baby girl in a Mother’s Day Out program once a week.  She started last Wednesday at our church.  She is familiar with her caregivers AND I trust them.  Plus, I was able to get a massage and come back to start deep cleaning my house while she was gone.  Now, I am writing this blog and continuing to really clean/organize the house.  BALANCE.  I’m getting a few hours once a week for ME.  It’s not for selfish reasons.  It’s for balance.  Refreshment.  Rest.  I’m EMBRACING this short time without my girl to be restful and productive at the same time.

2016 words of the year for Leslie= BALANCE. REST. REFRESH.

Basically, to FLOURISH.

Friend, what is YOUR 2016 going to be about?

~Leslie~

Sharing about Mom Life

Half a year.  I CANNOT BELIEVE my baby is half a year old already.  That’s crazy.  She is seriously amazing.  So happy all the time.  It is such a joy to watch her grow.  It’s amazing that she has gone from not even holding her head up all the way to army crawling in this amount of time!

A while back when I knew children were still a few years off for the hubs and me, I made a few comments about mothers over-sharing on social media.  I was HIGHLY criticized for having an opinion on things that have to do with children before I had any of my own.  Well, I do have one of my own now.  I’ve been a momma for 6 months.  I know that’s not very long, but I’ve definitely learned a lot already.

I could tell you all about the diaper disasters I’ve experienced and the amount of laundry with it, but I won’t….because I don’t enjoy reading about your baby’s diaper disasters while I’m perusing facebook and eating lunch.

I could show you pictures of the way I feed my child, but that is personal and done out of sight.  I didn’t show off that part of my body before I was a mom, so I’m not going to start now.

I could tell you how many times what goes in my baby’s mouth comes back out, but you probably don’t want to know….I deal with it with a joyful attitude, but it’s not like it’s a pleasant thing to clean up…so why would I think ya’ll would care to read an update about it?

I could tell you what we have to deal with when she gets sick, but other than a “My baby is sick.  Please, pray for her to feel better ASAP” request, I don’t think you want to hear the specifics.

I could post naked baby pictures, but a friend told me a story about someone doing that then later finding out a member of the family viewed child porn...so pictures like that will never be posted.

I could tell you how her potty training is going about a year and a half from now, but other than “I don’t have to change her diaper anymore!!”…I’ll spare you the icky details.

I had all of these views before I became a mother.  They haven’t changed.  I value my personal and private moments being kept personal and private.  Sleep-deprivation didn’t mess up my brain so much that I have to “let it all out” in a social media setting whether you wanted to experience it with me or not.  I have all kinds of people on my social media accounts that I want to be considerate of.  Yes, there are many things you can’t understand until you are a parent, but being considerate of the different people in your audience is something ANYONE can understand.  I’m not going to make you experience certain parts of life when it’s not your time to do so and you prefer to wait until it is your time.

If you are someone who shares all the details, but prefaces it with a “WARNING- graphic post about…”  BLESS YOU.  I recently had a friend want to share about how her little girl was responding in a sweet way to a situation regarding her 2^nd pregnancy, but knew it was a little graphic…and that’s how she started the post.  Great idea!  My post a while back very quickly turned from "Leslie doesn't like to hear about disgusting things, to Leslie thinks this group of people is disgusting and Leslie is not gracious, understanding, or patient."  Well, guess what?  I am a part of that group now.  I’m not a hypocrite.  I do understand mom life now.  (Side note- the main person calling me “ungracious, not understanding, and impatient” went on to block me because THAT is how to respond with grace, understanding, and patience in a disagreement, right? *sarcasm*)

LASTLY, my comment on feeding my child is how I CHOOSE to do it.  I cover up.  Like I said, I was modest before motherhood, so I continue that.  HOWEVER, if you choose a different way, you are still doing a great job taking care of your baby!  I know some moms would love to cover up, but their baby is claustrophobic and will literally try to rip the cover off.  You are a wonderful mommy for thinking of your child’s needs even if you are uncomfortable.  I’m so thankful my little one is ok being covered so that I don’t deal with that, but not everyone is in the same position.  I have my opinions.  You have yours.  But all of us mommies are just doing our very best for our children.  

This was not an attack on anyone or their character.  I have never forgotten how women who barely knew me sure tried to attack mine that day.  This post was to let you all know that I do have opinions now that I am a mother, and most have not changed since before I was one.  It’s not about not being “gracious, understanding, or patient”…it’s about considering your WHOLE audience.  Understand that I do so enjoy seeing pictures of my friend's children, watching them grow and reach milestones.  Parenthood is wonderful and should be celebrated.  I'm just not one that enjoys extreme details on any personal matter, not just parenthood.  (If I had someone sharing details about their sex life on social media, I would not feel comfortable reading personal info like that either...but that's not where the extreme sharing is taking place.)  Maybe I’m overly squeamish, but others have shared these same opinions with me.

That is all.