Our journey. Not yours.

I know this is a really lame post for the first one of 2017, but I need to say it…

We have been asked.  My mother has been asked.  Even MY SISTER has been asked.

So, let me set the record straight.  It is NONE of your business when my husband and I are “planning” or “trying” for another baby.

As of right now, we do not have a baby due in 2017.  If that changes, you can find out WHEN I WANT to give out that info.

Not really sure why or how it became socially acceptable to ask that question.  Yeah, “everyone just gets curious” yadda yadda yadda….you’re basically asking how often my husband and I get down to business (oh I’m sorry, did reading that make you uncomfortable?  Well, how do you think I feel ANSWERING that question?)

This has been the most stressful year of our lives.  The Hubs is in the car 3 hours a day just driving to and from work.  Sometimes, he doesn’t even get to see the one child he does have every day.  We miss him quite a lot.  And that’s not all.  I have had some health issues throughout the years, including 2016...and it's a good idea to make sure your body is strong and healthy before you carry around a baby inside of you for 9 months, right?  Yeah...

I have some friends with kids less than a year apart.  I have a friend with college and high school age kids…then had another baby last year.  Everyone’s family journey is different and unique….and it’s our journey, not yours.

"Mind your own biscuits, and life will be gravy" -KACEY MUSGRAVES-

Thanks,

Leslie

Another Thanksgiving

This year has been tough.  Almost from the very beginning as my sister broke her back in a horse riding accident in January (to those who still ask how her recovery is going, you are so sweet.  She is actually doing great.  Her back gets a little tight sometimes, but she has already been back on a horse, taking it much easier now)  My husband’s job commute is 2.5-3 hours daily which extended to about 4 during the crazy floods in the spring.  We got some really hard news this fall….and don’t know when good news will come from that specific situation. Oh and let’s not even get started on the crazy political atmosphere we have in this country right now…

And I know I’m not alone.  I’ve had many friends share their stories of discouragement and heartache in 2016.  I wrote a Thanksgiving in May post because I wanted to focus on the good, instead of the bad that was happening.  Well, 2016 has continued to disappoint, but I still want to find the good to praise the Lord for.

Since I wrote that post in May, I’ll start with something good in each month since then.

June-  My birthday month. And my Momma’s.  And Mom-in-law's.  We had good family time and I actually celebrated my birthday with my in-laws over Father’s Day weekend.  How many people can say they are HAPPY to celebrate their birthday with in-laws?  Not many, but mine are the best.  They made me a cake and bought be some of my favorite things.  Then, watched baby girl so the Hubs and I could go out.

July-  I saw one of my cousin’s marry his high school sweetheart in one of the sweetest, God honoring ceremonies I’ve been to.  Also, Cow Appreciation Day!  I had been waiting several years to go with one of my favorites who has an amazing cow onesie that she wears to celebrate the joyous occasion every July.  It was such a fun day being silly with her and baby girl!

August-  The Hub’s birthday.  We had such a fun celebration with family and friends.  Also, baby girl turned 18 months…and ever since that big milestone, she has just been getting an even bigger, funnier, sassier, sillier personality and it’s just adorable.

September-  This was the hardest month.  But we had an awesome friendcation with my best friend, our husbands, and our babies.  It was full of relaxing days, refreshing conversations, and fun times in a nice little house out in Wimberley, Texas.  Also, had some good sisterhood time one afternoon with a few friends from college!

October-  Family reunions, baby showers, pumpkin patches, Taco Salad Parties, and friends’ gender reveal parties.  October, while it didn’t feel very much like fall outside, had many good celebrations to help with the sadness of September.

November-  Full of family time.  My parents hosted an awesome Thanksgiving Day feast…and helped a lot with baby girl. Then, went to the in-laws for the weekend for some more family time, food, rest, and help with baby girl. 

My momma came today, brought Chickfila, and helped with baby girl until she went down for a nap.  Then, my dad is coming when he gets off work and will bring us some dinner.  They both usually do this once a week for us.  So sweet.

Hoping December will end with 2017 not looking as dreary as 2016 has been.  However, you can see that I really do have a lot of blessings to think about, praise Jesus for, and not forget.  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!  Can you think of something to be thankful for each month?

Love,

Leslie

Missing

About 10 years ago, I wrote music (Well, lyrics.  I don’t have a musical bone in my body as I am completely tone deaf lol…although I did learn a few chords on the guitar that I’m still ok at playing) whenever I had time.  It was usually in lonely or difficult/discouraging times in high school or college.  I think the last time I wrote anything was sometime in the middle of college, but sometimes things happen that just make me write…like it’s the only way to control my thoughts when everything else doesn’t make sense.  Plus, it’s very therapeutic.  So, here is “Missing”

MISSING

The missing piece leaves me puzzled.  It keeps my mind worried.

Time is never on my side no matter what’s happening

I can already imagine how this will end

I don’t want to be weak, moving along in slow motion

It won’t leave my mind, I don’t have answers

When missing a life, I’m so unsure

With the hurt, I am broken

With my doubt, I am hoping

So, I carry on, carry on, carry on,

I’m gonna carry on for us

This missing light makes me fall down while darkness comes in

I try so hard to see through it, looking for normal within

I still stand up and fight so this won’t ruin me

The pain will stay for a while. But one day I’ll find healing.

It won’t leave my mind, I don’t have answers

When missing a life, I’m so unsure

With the hurt, I am broken

With my doubt, I am hoping

So, I carry on, carry on, carry on,

I’m gonna carry on for us

I’m just trying to understand

And this was never part of my plan

I’m just trying not to come undone

Please don’t take this away again

The missing dream that I have always longed for

Don’t let it slip away from me, Give me faith to be stronger

It won’t leave my mind, I don’t have answers

When missing a life, I’m so unsure

With the hurt, I am broken

With my doubt, I am hoping

So, I carry on, carry on, carry on,

I’m gonna carry on for us

So I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (keep carrying on),

I'm gonna carry on for us

So I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (I still carry on), I carry on (I still carry on),

I'm gonna carry on for us

September was a hard month…Octobers usually make things a little better.  I have hope.  It's ok to be hopeful in uncertain parts of your life. Don't let someone try to take that hope away from you.  Thankful for the hugs and support of my Hubby, little girl, and a few others close to us.

Love,

Leslie

Like a Lightning Storm (Part 2)

Part 2

Click here for Part 1 if you want to read it.

The meds really drain my energy.  When I first got on them, I would nap for at least 3 hours after classes, even if I had a good night’s sleep.  I have been able to adjust to them more since then, but my full energy never returned.  Another side effect.

If you have a friend going through a storm….

Please don’t act like it’s a big deal when you help a friend going through a storm-

No driving for 6 months (normal restriction after a seizure) during my student teaching.  Relying on friends during hard times is tough.  I had friends give me a ride from campus to my apartment just a couple times and act like they hung the moon for me.  Don’t get me wrong, it was helpful, but I had people I barely knew offer to do that much for me. 

Please, don’t get upset when your friend can’t be there for you during their storm-

I had several close friends try to deem what was best for me or our friendship and get upset that I couldn't be there the way they wanted me to at the time, instead of just making the time to be there and ask what my needs were.  It's not like any of us want to be in a time of extra need or vulnerability, but it usually happens to everyone at some point.  I’m really sorry that I forgot to ask how your day was, when I was struggling to stay awake while at the same time making sure I got enough sleep and didn’t drink too much caffeine, find a ride home, cope with an abusive boyfriend who eventually left me during the storm, remember to take my meds, remember what I was going to be teaching the next day, AND keep up with my friends too.  I wasn’t meaning to forget about you EVER, but at that time, I was in hell.  Where were you?

Please don’t act like doing a simple thing for a friend in a storm is a hardship for you-

I mentioned in the last post that a family member had a pretty traumatic experience too.  My sister broke her back when she got bucked off a horse at the beginning of this year.  She was bed-ridden for weeks.  The only thing she could do was watch tv or look at her phone.  When I saw how depressed she was about the injury and possibility of not riding again (plus the fact that she had crappy friends who barely visited her), I set up a surprise event online, asking friends to mail her some snail mail to give her something else to do. Two weeks later, my sister had received ONE thing in the mail! It was sent by MY sweet brother-in-law and sister-in-law. My brother-in-law has spent maybe a few hours with my little sister, and my sister-in-law has never even met her....and some of those invited to send encouragement have known her for YEARS! How discouraging! It's "friends" like this that have made my sister want very little to do with church people. STEP UP. BE JESUS.  Unless you had an excuse worse than breaking your back, it takes only a few minutes to pick out a card, write a few sentences, address and stamp it, and put it in a mailbox. I actually had a friend text me and tell me so many people only do online stuff now that that’s why no one was taking the time to send something in the mail and that I should set up a Facebook group to post comments for my sister.  Really?  Did you NOT just read that Facebook and tv is ALL she could do all day?  I was trying to give my extremely discouraged sister something a little more than a Facebook comment that takes all of 5 seconds to type.  My sister doesn't have the type of godly, caring friends that I do (or thought I did)....this was supposed to help, but instead it showed me just how many people I can count on in times of need. (Note- a few more people stepped up after I wrote this summary on Facebook right after her accident, so she ended up getting a few more things delivered.  To those, I am extremely thankful.) 

EVERYONE has a busy life. That is the CRAPPIEST excuse, and my sister and I both heard it.  You don't think everyone has busy times in their life? Yes we all do, but don't neglect your most loyal friends in their biggest times of need. BE THERE for the ones you care about, ESPECIALLY during the hardest times of their life! 

If you speak of loving people well, but can’t find time for something as simple as a sympathy card in the mail, your love is immature.  If you speak of loving people well, but you pat yourself on the back for giving someone a ride home once or twice, your love is conceited.  If you get angry at a friend not showing you attention during THEIR storm, your love is selfish.  Love is not just being there when it’s convenient, sometimes it’s about being there when it isn’t convenient at all.

It’s as simple as this.  If you think any of what I posted applies to you, whether it was in my situation, my sister’s, or a completely different situation, this is just meant to encourage people to brave the storm with your friend, instead of complaining about the rain through it.  Like I said above, no one wants to be in a lightning storm, but it happens to everyone at some point.  If you haven’t been through one, your time will come eventually…and I sure hope you have friends to walk through the floods….because if you don’t, the pain cuts even deeper than the storm by itself.  And if you are walking through one right now, please let me or someone else you trust know what is going on.  I want to walk with you.  No one should feel as alone as I did.

Love,

Leslie

P.S.  I do want to let a few people know I was extremely grateful for your encouragement and care for me during these horrible times- My family, education professors, Penn1 guy friends, Amber Webb, Allie Thompson, Angela Long, Bekah Brown, Emily Huebner, and anyone I barely knew who gave me a ride in those 6 months, and anyone who sent my sister something in the mail.  Your kindness did not go unnoticed, I promise!

Like a Lightning Storm (part 1)

I LOVE the summer Olympics.  I always look forward to the gymnastics competitions.  It is amazing to see what these athletes are capable of, how they can twist, turn, stretch, and push their bodies to do extraordinary actions.

At the same time, it is a reminder at how fragile bodies can be.  It is the anniversary of one of the most terrifying times of my life.

I wrote this on my blog right after it happened…

That night started out as an ordinary evening spent with my family. We were talking and watching the Olympics. Then, I lay on the couch. For the next few minutes, I don’t remember anything. Mom said it looked like I was stretching, then got stuck that way. I started trembling. I was having a seizure. It lasted a minute or so, then I went unconscious. My face turned blue.  My parents called an ambulance. I didn’t wake up until the paramedic gave me oxygen. Then, he took blood, asking me basic questions, like where I go to school. My family tells me I was so disoriented I acted like a child, pushing the oxygen mask away, and complaining about them taking blood from my finger, and giggling about my answers to the questions. I don’t remember a thing. I remember them asking me a question about something right before getting into the car to go to the hospital. We were at the hospital for at least 3 hours. They did a brain scan, checked blood pressure, and did several other tests. All came back fine. We got back home past midnight and I slept almost all day afterwards, still having a headache.  Seizures are sometimes caused by stress, eating at unusual times, and/or caffeine.  I felt a little dizzy, not much, but then I was just out. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me since my stroke at birth.

It happened 8 years ago. 

I still have side effects, like migraines that come on so hard, I lose my vision for 30 seconds or more.  Thank goodness I’ve only been driving once when it happened, on a road with few cars and I could pull off real fast before I wrecked into something.  The meds really drain my energy.  Sometimes, my memory is not as good as it once was.

While in college exactly 2 months later, I had another one.  After that, I got put on epilepsy medicine (which I will probably be on the rest of my life because I was told after you have 2 seizures, there is a 50/50 chance that you could have another one in your life)  and was not allowed to drive for 6 months.

Someone once described a seizure like this- 

End part 1

Love,

Leslie

P.S. I know this was kinda dramatic, but a friend recently told me they had no idea that I had had a grand mal seizure (the most dramatic kind) which is funny because I was so open about it, yet felt so very alone at the time….and something pretty dramatic happened to a family member this year, and she had many react the same way people responded to me afterwards.  So, part 2 will be a "How to respond during a lightning storm in your friend's life".  Just hoping to help others in really crappy situations.

29

29.  The last year of my 20s started last month.  They FLEW BY….and at the same time, I don’t even recognize myself from a few years back.  The 20s are pretty big, defining years for most people.  I’ve been thinking through them- the things I’m most thankful for through the years, most important things I learned, etc…

Early 20s-

-I am so thankful for the wise and caring professors during this time and the friends I had, especially in the education department at LU. 

-I would tell my early 20s self to get far, far away from some of those closest to me during this time.  And would also remind myself to keep in better touch with some back home as they would become better friends than those I was spending a lot of my time with.

-I am so thankful that, even though I had some of the scariest health times of my life during this time, that it wasn’t worse and I’m still able to manage it with daily epilepsy meds.  And I would tell myself to get used to health problems because they aren’t going away.

-I would MAKE SURE I left him as soon as I saw his response to the first seizure.  I would tell those who thought I wasn’t “present” or “there” for them, the kind of hell I was stuck in.  I would beg them to try harder to reach me, instead of telling me they “put way more into the friendship” than I did.  Communication is not a one way street.

Post grad-

-Just breathe.  It is all going to turn out ok….actually way better than you could’ve ever thought at this point. 

-I’m thankful for graduation and my church and job in Dallas. 

-I would tell myself it’s ok to live by yourself.  You do not need a roommate during this time in your life.  Learn about yourself as an adult instead of letting girl drama move in.

-I learned not to stay in situations that are discouraging over and over again without any change.  Get out. 

-Thankful for God’s grace in answering my prayer to bring me someone I could rely on and not have to learn to trust after so much untrustworthiness in my life-my good friend Riley took a chance and asked me to be his girlfriend.

Mid-20s-

- Thankful for marriage

- I apparently can’t make it more than 6 months away from Texas haha, and I’m ok with that.  Thankful for a Texan husband!

- Be careful who you vent to…some people CAN’T WAIT to make you look like a fool.

- I would tell myself not to let rude people turn me into a rude person.  It definitely happened a few times.  This world needs more kindness and gentleness passed on instead…

Late 20s-

- Thankful for children.

- Thankful for my parents and in-law’s wisdom and godly examples in our marriage and parenting.

- I am sorry to women who aren’t encouraged when they become moms…I have the MOST encouraging group of people I’ve ever had in my life right now, and am so thankful!
- Apparently there will always be women trying to start girl drama no matter what stage of life you're in.  Just leave them alone.

-Life is hard everywhere you turn.  Care for others, but beware of those who act like they are the only ones who ever go through anything.  They won’t be there much for you if you are the one going through something.

-  Life is about balance, even more after you become a parent.  How much time with/without your baby, how much time cleaning vs. sleeping, how much money on babysitting to get a date night, how often to ask family to babysit for free, how often to let your kid do this or that, when to let your kid do this or that, IF to let your kid do this or that, making time for friends when your baby refuses to nap etc. etc.

-  Learning to love who God created me to be and being ok with things that I used to think were flaws (my cerebral palsy, introverted/shy nature, sensitive soul. etc.)

-  I pray for contentment, courage, and confidence in this last year of my 20s and moving into my 30s

- Oh, and I pray for ENERGY to serve Him and my family well.

As I sat here at my laptop a few times to write this, the “things” that came to mind, as you may have noticed, are the people and relationships that defined my life in my 20s.  Life is always about people coming and going, staying and leaving, loving and living.  I learned to love well (including myself) and let go of those who don't love me back well.

Love,

Leslie

Thanksgiving in May...

While I was on a lunch date with a friend recently, we started discussing how 2016 is just a really crappy year so far for both of us, our families, politics (I mean REALLY?!  THOSE are the choices for our next President?!  I can’t imagine Hilary as commander of anything, much less Commander-in-chief), etc…just crappy all around.

You may or may not know that my husband works over an hour from our home right now.  He usually spends around 3 hours in the car each day just driving to and from work….the flood made it more like 4 hours for several weeks.  He barely gets to spend time with our baby girl during the week.  On top of that, he decided to buy an old BMW off Craigslist as a commuter car so that he doesn’t keep putting 120 miles on his truck every day.  After driving the BMW for THREE days, a guy rear ended him.  Then, the guy is dishonest and files a claim with our insurance saying my husband switched lanes at the last minute.  So, his insurance won’t cover the damages to husband’s car.

Ugh.

We haven’t been super social lately because we’re both either exhausted or trying to catch up on projects or trying to catch up as a family over the weekend.

Anyway, I just didn’t want to keep focusing on the negative.  I wanted to think (even as hard as it is lately) about the good in 2016-

I’m thankful my husband has a job.  We know many who do not right now.

I’m thankful he wasn’t injured in the wreck.

I’m thankful for my baby’s first birthday this year.

I’m thankful she’s too little to remember how busy her Daddy is right now trying to make sure she (and I) are provided for

I’m thankful baby girl has FINALLY started napping for about an hour and half most (not today or any other day she falls asleep in the car during outings lol) days.

I’m thankful for friends who are super understanding about me having ZERO time to socialize for months b/c of the reasons listed, but then when we finally get to hang out, we pick up right where we left off.

I’m thankful we only had a little water in the house from the flood.  Towels and fans took care of it.  And all of our family was safe and dry too!

I’m thankful for a Momma who will come watch my baby girl so I can have a best friend date to get nails done for the first time in MONTHS. Momma ALSO brought me Chickfila...THEN decided to have baby girl stay the night with her so that I could get some things done around the house and around town and have extra chill time with the Hubs.

I’m thankful my Dad comes in most Thursdays and brings me dinner so that Riley and I don’t have to pay for a babysitter while we are at small group each week.

I’m thankful for that sweet small group community and my community at MOPS.

I’m thankful our family beach vacation is coming VERY soon.

Life is a bit rough right now, but this season, this year, won’t last forever.

Love,

Leslie