I’m about to open up in a way I don’t
very often, friends.
As a preemie baby, I had a form of a
stroke when I was born which caused me to have mild cerebral palsy on the right
side of my body. I walk with a limp and
do not have much use of my right hand. I
can pretty much only open and close it in a fist. I cannot move my fingers individually on that
hand. Many of you know at least some of this, but probably not all.
I’ve never been in any pain from the
stroke or cerebral palsy. It’s mostly
just a huge annoyance. People don’t
always notice a “slight” disability right away.
Chickfila is the best place to work ever and my bosses were totally
understanding, but every time a new person started working with me and asked me
to do something like carry a tub of sweet tea or lemonade from the back of the
store to the front and pour it from the tub to the high containers without
spilling, I had to tell them I couldn’t do that. Then, sometimes explain to them WHY I
couldn’t in front of other employees.
And can’t pour the ice cream in the ice cream maker for the same
reason. Or tell them that I don’t work
at the drive thru during busy hours because I type the order in too slowly….etc
etc. you get the picture. Sometimes,
they just thought I was trying to get out of work.
When I was little, it didn’t really
bother me much. I didn’t even realize I
was very different. As a teenager, I
became more self-conscious about it (especially around boys and co-workers), and the feeling
of not being “enough” or lacking something crept in. Now as an adult with a lot more
responsibility, it is the hardest time to deal with it.
Some things you may have never thought
of that are difficult for me-
I’m typing right now with one hand and
had to do that with every paper I ever wrote in high school and college.
I like to cook, but something as simple
as draining grease from a pan, chopping vegetables, or icing a cake sometimes
requires (a) my husband’s help or (b) 4 times as much time as most people need. And now that I have a very affectionate and physically
needy child, if she is screaming and pulling on my leg to be held while I’m in
the kitchen, sometimes I need 5 or 6 times as much time to complete a task.
Chores- oh where do I begin? It’s hard enough for ANY parent to vacuum and
hold a clingy child at the same time.
For me? It’s almost impossible. (I did do baby wearing when she was much smaller, but even the Ergo is hard to get on by myself)
Even something as simple as lighting a
match is extremely difficult for me.
I’ve learned to adapt to most
things. I would start papers early and
take breaks. I either start dinner way
before the hubby gets home or find easy dinners. We budgeted so that baby girl could go to a
Mother’s Day Out one day a week, and I could clean the house that day without
breaking my back.
Yes, there are so many people that have
way worse struggles than me. I know. I know pretty much everyone deals with struggles not many people know about. I'm tired of mine being one "not many people know about." That's all. I just needed to get this out because I have
felt judged in numerous situations and people probably don’t realize what's going on. I am learning to accept that-
I’m a SAHM who should have “plenty of
time” to keep a clean house, but can’t.
I bring store-bought cookies to many
events or my icing job sucks on the homemade ones I do bring.
I don’t like to participate in game nights,
especially ones that involve charades or other certain physical activities, but
will always have people pressure me to and try to embarrass me when I still don’t
participate.
Whenever we do have company, the hubs is
the one doing most of the food-prep and cooking because it would take me too
long.
People will think I’m a "demanding" or "needy" spouse for
asking my hubs to help with such simple tasks as going through a buffet line,
ESPECIALLY if soup is involved (one thing that almost gives me full on anxiety
attacks lol)
P.S. My husband doesn't mind. God gave me the BEST helpmate!
These are all things I have felt judged
for. I know this post was ALL about
ME. This isn’t to get sympathy or anything
like that. And some of you may even
think that it's not that bad and I’m just not trying hard enough or making excuses so that I can just be lazy about things. No. I’ve
pushed myself too hard for too long. This
is to inform. This is for me, the
perfectionist, to set myself free a little, to cut myself some slack, to be ok
with myself, struggles and all.
Is there something in your life you
need to let go? Is there something you need
to cut yourself some slack on? To be ok
with yourself, struggles and all?
This encouragement has been my life
verse since high school. “His righteous
right hand” is so special every time I read it. HIS strength, His help, His grace, His mercies are what my life is all about anyway. He can use me AND my disability.
Love,
Leslie
